Mess up with mind

I don't know whether the words 'mess up with mind' I used it correctly or wrong

But I just want to blog something

I took a nap during afternoon

When I woke up from sofa

I've got a sudden feeling which makes me so down

Don't know why

Maybe period coming soon?

I don't know

I need a friend

Yes, just a friend who can really know me well

a friend who cheers me up when I used to face troubles and problems

However

the facts I faced was tell me that it's really hard to find a friend like this

I don't like to quarrel

I'm just like to kidding...making some jokes...

I like to act something funny to amuse my friends

But I think I have neglected my own feeling

That's why I will think that it's not really fair for me

Why do I should make people laugh and happy but they don't really appreciate?

Why do I did like this?

Why should I make myself become so suffer?

Why I help someone and saw her succeed, I'll feel jealous?

Why and tell me why?

This make me start to hatred on myself

I don't want to be that!!

But why can't they appreciate?

I'm not asking for rewards, but can you all please understand me?

I'm always be the one who understand you well but you never

Sometimes I do really hate your voice, your face, your everything

I tried my best to look on your good and not your bad!

I thought you know me well but you actually don't!!

You took serious on my jokes and keep on sarcastic me!

You're the one who always say me silly!

silly is not a good word for me and 'funny' is acceptable

I hate 'silly' this word use on my attitude!!

I really couldn't endure anymore that's why I kept my mouth shut

I don't like I hate this

I'm so upset about this

I thought you're my close friend?

Maybe I should not bother about this

what should I do now is study hard

the one who can cheer up me is myself.

good night